What to do about magik (Gotham Style)
by dhalpin3
Summary: Illyana in the DC universe. Hang onto to your capes!
1. Chapter 1

**What to do about Magik?**

 **Gotham style**

Author's note: Illyana will be doing more DC Universe crossovers (Once the story Arkham is done). Why? Cause it's fun and LordGrise and I both have various ideas (and are in fact working on some of those ideas). General assumption is that Illyana is "tolerated" because they can't figure out what else to do (lemonade out of lemons I suppose) and better to have her hanging out with them then the villains.

This is a funny short story that struck me while I was shopping at Costco. A tad naughty, and partially inspired by the online comic Waiting for the trade. Which is a comic about comics; and very funny I might add; I support it on Patron. He wrote a funny story about Booster Gold (on Jan 5, 2018) and I suppose this story resulted.

Dedicated to all who need a good laugh.

 **Part 1: Liberties were taken or… (based "lightly" upon actual events)**

Scott Summers was briefly visiting the DC universe, courtesy of Illyana (yes he's dead but we are talking Hell Lord so certain liberties are allowed, or maybe this was shortly before he died, not sure). He was at the Justice League Watchtower space station attending a social event of all things, as Illyana's guest (nibbles, wine, and an open bar).

Many a super hero was present, as well as various big wigs and the party was **on** (If this space station's a rocking, don't come a nockin).

Scott was of course wearing his Red field uniform with the X over his eyes, the one created by Illyana. After several hours of conversation, dancing, various power feats (At one point Scott was in a target contest with the green arrow and Nightwing) and even some rather raucous events, Scott managed to corner Illyana as he had a question.

" _Illyana, a word if you please._ _"_

" _Yes Scott? Enjoying the party?_ _"_

" _Yes in fact, rather nice being treated like a person again. Not quite the party I expected, but fun._ _"_

Illyana had not told Scott just where the party was, or who the actual attendees were.

Illyana agreed. _"_ _It_ _'_ _s fun, but the Titans are the one_ _'_ _s who really know how to throw down. What_ _'_ _s your question?_ _"_

 _Why does everybody here think I_ _'_ _m gay?_ _"_

A grin from Illyana, a wicked grin. _"_ _Bi Scott. Not gay, Bi._ _"_

" _Okay, why do they all think I_ _'_ _m Bi and apparently very promiscuous?_ _"_

" _Several of them asked about the whole love triangle between you, Jean, and Logan._ _"_

Scott scowled at Illyana, which turns out to have much less of an impact when your eyes are hidden. _"_ _And you told them Logan was after me instead of Jean?_ _"_

Illyana took a sip of her white wine. _"_ _Not all Scott, I told them that it was you jonesing for Logan. Quite the torrid love_ _affair_ _. Even that quote about how you wished you knew how to quit him._ _"_

" _That_ _'_ _s a line from the film broke back mountain._ _"_ Complained Scott.

" _They never made that film here so the quote sounded very real._ _"_

" _And?_ _"_

" _It all turned out well. Although you did tell Jean that if she forced you to pick it was_ _going_ _to be Canadian_ _bacon_ _all the way as you weren't giving up your love Canuck._ _"_

" _ **WHAT!**_ _ **"**_

Illyana was obviously enjoying herself, and possible a tad tipsy. _"_ _Three way or no way, that was your line in the sand. Jean gave in, but that was just the start._ _"_

" _ **Start?**_ _ **"**_

" _The_ _three of you_ _all shacked up together, then Emma joined the party as well as Jean and Emma had this weird opposites_ _attract_ _thing going on. Not that you or Logan minded_ _…_ _no_ _…_ _not at all._ _"_

Okay that was a weird dream that Scott had had once, but Logan had not been part of that fantasy. Illyana continued the horror.

" _Oh, and Betsy Braddock joined as well_ _because_ _we both know she_ _'_ _s a bit of a skank. Man was the Professor pissed, kept making comments about are we fighting the foes or just attempting foreplay? I guess there was also lots of hate sex as well as plain old orgies. In the end you all moved into Emma_ _'_ _s mansion on Fifth Avenue and joined the Avengers. Why do you ask?_ _"_

Count to ten Scott told himself. She's a hell lord, they do things like this from time to time. Yelling at her never ever works. Yelling might make it worse, and she won't listen anyway.

" _That Booster Gold guy just won_ _'_ _t leave me alone. Keeps inviting me to_ _…_ _well to some events. You wouldn't by chance still be annoyed about that little locking you up in solitary confinement with a bomb jacket for months and months that I did back in Utopia?_ _"_

" _Why would I be Scott? Under continuous surveillance? No privacy at all? Only moist towelettes to bathe with? I always did wonder if it was only Danger reviewing the footage or if others_ _…_ _watched._ _"_

For some odd reasons Scott didn't have a ready answer. _"_ _Ummmmm_ _…_ _Ahhhh... I assure you that_ _…"_

Illyana had a twinkle in her eye _._ _"_ _Oh look, its Black Lightning and a friend, and boy do they look interested about something._ _"_

Scott tried again. _"_ _Illyana I_ …" But a flicker of a light disk and Illyana was gone.

" _Mr. Summers_ _…"_ Began Black Lightning. _"_ _Booster Gold is putting together a little afters party for the more open minded and we would love to have you attend, assuming your husbands_ _and_ _wives would approve._ _"_

" _Husbands?_ _"_ Replied Scott with that sinking feeling that Illyana had left out a few extra details.

" _Why Captain America and Hawkeye of course. My my, such good taste you have._ _"_

" _I certainly hope so._ _"_ Replied Black Lightning's companion while giving Scott a look that made Scott feel like a cream puff being eyed by the hungry.

Before Scott could formulate a reply, several females joined the little gathering. _"_ _We_ _'_ _d all love to_ _…_ _have you._ _"_ Was one rather large breasted redhead's comment to him.

What happened next you ask? Well… what happens in the DC universe says in the DC universe.


	2. Chapter 2

**What to do about Magik Gotham style?**

Author's note: I've been a massive fan of Robot Chicken ever since my friend Chris recommended it. For some reason DC comics is mocked more on Robot Chicken then Marvel comics, but both do feel the lash of their sarcasm and wit. Once I created the story Arkam (Illyana/Joker/Batman story) and LordGrise continued the storyline (he's a major Batman/Catwoman fan), I got to thinking about additional Illyana/DC social interactions (I know more about where LordGrise is taking the Arkam story then the readers as we continual kibitz about various plots). I suppose once the new Illyana comics come out in March/April I will have more content for the baseline What to do about Magik.

Assuming that Illyana keeps showing in, from time to time, in the DC universe, I think that Illyana refrains from ever really showing anything about DC comics from her universe to anybody in the DC universe, but… in this case… what if Illyana accidentally showed Robot Chicken episodes to a certain somebody in the DC universe? Yeah… (grin), another humor chapter.

 **Part 2a: Robot Chicken**

A dark storm tossed ocean.

A wooden raft adrift.

A flash of lightning flash reveals four men clinging to the edges of the raft.

There is, of all things, a bionic chicken (half chicken, half robot) was sitting on the raft and pecking at the men every time they attempt to climb onto the raft while contently clucking _"Bawk… bawk, bawk, bawk…_ _ **bawk**_ _."_

" _ **This is all your fault!"**_ Screams Seth Green, one of the men clinging to the wooden raft. He is a producer of Robot Chicken.

" _ **My fault?! Bull! It was your idea to mock Aquaman! Or Water Guy as you like to call him! You always call him that!"**_ Screams back Mathew Senreich, the other Robot Chicken co-producer and a writer, as he throws a soaked shoe at the chicken. A throw that misses, resulting in the shoe bouncing off Seth's head.

" _ **Ouch! You asshole! He's just a comic book character! How the hell was I to know he actually existed!? Quite throwing things! Your aim sucks! Why… you couldn't even hit an intern if she was bending over and begging for it!"**_

" _ **Does that explain how you fell from the sky missing your pants!?"**_ Retorts Mathew. _**"Trying to nail another intern or just spanking it again in the men's room?!"**_

" _ **Guys, could we focus on how fucked we are!"**_ Shouts Douglas Goldstein, head writer. _**"And not the usual bullshit between the two of you!? This is more then the usual who's dick is bigger!".**_

" _ **Mine!"**_ Screams Seth.

" _ **Mine!"**_ Shouts back Mathew.

" _ **What did we eve do to upset the X-Men?!"**_ Shouts Tom Root, the other head writer, ignoring Seth and Matt screaming yet again about their dicks. _**"We've never mocked the X-Men… mostly… and never her. That's one of the rules!"**_

Two more men suddenly fall screaming from the sky and splash into the water next to the raft. The first sputters to the surface. He's executive vice president Keith Crofford of Adult Swim. _**"What in tarnation? I've been bamboozled! Seth! Matt! This altercation is all your fault! One minute I'm in my office and that Blond floozy appears, say's I have an important meeting to attend and now I'm soaking wet!"**_

The second man breaks the surface, Adult Swim President Mike Lazzo, he shouts. _ **"Robot Chicken is SOooooo cancelled!"**_

Seth screams back. _ **"Something just nibbled on my toes!"**_

" _ **Shut up you big wussy and die like a man**_." Is the unsympathetic shout from Mathew Senreich.

" _ **Mr. Lazzo, I think canceling the show won't help!"**_ Shouts Tom. _**"I think new management is in order."**_

Seth and Matt both shout. _ **"Ohhh, you back stabbing rat!"**_

Ok… just what the heck is going on? This is supposed to be Illyana fanfic!

 **Part 2b: Just how in tarnation did this come to be?**

Illyana so wanted to fidget, to squirm, to shift about.

Which turns out to be surprisingly difficult when you're floating underwater. Illyana was watching some comedy animation that Aquaman (Arthur Curry, King of the Atlantians) had requested. A answer to a request that had been generated because Arthur had asked about her world, a not uncommon request; a request she always deflected because it was bad enough that so much of her life was available a comic here, no need to actually explain just what was true and what was false; best to leave them guessing was her belief.

She always likewise deflected requests for information about how the inhabitants of this universe were presented in comic form in her universe. Now Illyana had never been much of a comic fan, other then Batman comics that is (frankly she liked the idea of crooks being beaten up).

But she'd forgotten for a moment. Give into temptation. Made a mistake. And now… now she was…

Now she was stuck in one the royal living rooms with Arthur, his wife Mera, plus some close Atlantian friends of theirs. Watching the projected animation from her phone on some giant bioluminescent wall size projector watching…watching…

Watching Robot Chicken.

The Robot Chicken Star Wars special had been funny, and the DC comic satire was very amusing, at first.

Real world Metropolis had been funny:

The wonder girl comment from Batman about Wonder Woman has been hysterical.

Superman being a jerk.

The Joker's escape from Arkham that involved Batman swimming in sewage and Joker's excrement.

The legion of Doom and the high school Sexx Luther rock star video.

Wonder Woman being an angry lesbian feminist.

But… oh crap… then the portrayal of Aquaman by Robot Chicken. She tried to bow out, stop the phone, but… no luck. Arthur had insisted that it continue.

Superman stealing Aquaman's sandwich and calling him water guy.

Crying over the fish not listening to him (trouble at home?).

Constant pranks and mockery.

Aquaman constantly being portrayed as a wimp.

Use of his trident as a plunger for a toilet.

Aqualoser this… Aquapus that…

Aquaman failing to deal with an oil company after a big spill and the sea creatures attacking him.

Aquaman selling out and using his powers to aid Japanese whalers.

Aquaman joining the Legion of Doom.

By the abyss… what the hell had she been thinking?

While Arthur had found it all hysterically funny, because he was always treated so formally all the time; the rest of the Atlantians had been far from amused (he had been the one that insisted that she continue to play Robot Chicken.)

 **BEGIN REFLECTION**

Illyana had been invited to dine in Atlantis. An invite that has surprised her, first Batman and Catwoman along with the Batties, then Superman and his wife Lois, and now Aquaman? Apparently they were trying to actually associate with her, which was rather surprising but… enjoyable.

She'd shown up on time, teleportation of course. She'd use water breathing magic which apparently earned her social points, as well as not having any issues eating Atlantian food. You, the reader, of course must wonder as to just what is Atlantian food?

Seaweeds, fish, crustaceans, octopus, and other sea creatures; mostly raw or cooked with acids. The most annoying thing was chewing and swallowing as seawater was in everything. Which meant you really needed to always chew with your mouth closed and then squeeze your cheeks to expel water just before you swallowed (little fish would then dart in to eat the food tidbits that were expelled).

Arthur commented as they ate. _"Most surfacers find our food rather unpalatable."_

Illyana took a sip of Atlantian wine (very sweet, but a bit salty) while spreading some sticky sea urchin eggs on some salmon. Oh, how the heck is there such a thing as drinking a beverage underwater? Thick syrups, jellies and I kid you not, jello shots, all with alcohol of course; although surface alcohol products was a major luxury import (that whole aging in oak thing). She then commented.

" _I like Sushi, this is just a bit more… extreme."_ She then munched on some raw octopus. _"Plus… well… you wouldn't believe some of the things I've have had to survive on at one point or another."_

The conversation had been varied:

Conversations about ruling, how demons were mostly anarchists when it comes to government (strongest wins) and how demons felt that the concept of taxes were just plain wrong; but theft was ok for reasons she couldn't quite understand.

That yes, she had to deal with rebellions as well, but the punishment tended to always be rather lethal so she almost never had to deal with the same individuals twice.

How super villain attacks somehow always tended to happen at the worst times (Arthur had recounted a short story that involved being on the john just as a villain had attacked).

That yes, Namor did exist, and tended to be a giant jerk, and she thought it was a bad idea to have him visit. Good thing his wife Mera was a red head, or Namor would totally hit on her (he was obsessed with blonds, had a thing for other men's wives, and did not respect boundaries at all).

No, Limbo did not have taxes as such, which sounded nicer then it was (everything in Limbo belongs to its ruler so things were ok for her but everybody else… well… sometimes it's good be the Queen).

Towards the end of the meal Illyana looked about the dining room. Very impressive and so was Arthur, so not like Robot Chicken's version at all. The recollection caused her to slightly laugh. Which prompted Mera to inquire as to the cause of her amusement.

Illyana replied. _"Thinking about a TV show in my world. Animated satire."_

Arthur asked if she might show some of them. And like a fool she'd agreed without thinking the implications through (she later blamed it on the Atlantian wine). After the meal they adjourned to a living room for additional drinks while she synced her phone with the entertainment system (that fact that her phone worked underwater was due to magic).

Star wars had been a hit, and then… the mood went very very cold once, apart from Arthur, once the Aquaman satyr was shown.

 **END REFLECTION**

Endless mirth from Arthur, and cold stares from the rest.

Utter social disaster!

Illyana later had some private time with Mera and was very contrite, which was quite rare behavior for her. _"I am so sorry. I have no idea what the hells I was thinking. Is there any way I can make it up to you?"_

Mera was angry but… Illyana appeared to be sincere so… Mera made a request that she expected to receive some kind of heroic excuse about actually doing. Much to her surprise, Illyana agreed with a wicked smile. A grin that Mera returned.

Mera concluded that it must be that whole dark anti hero thing that Arthur told her about. Well… she approved.

 **Part 2c: Back to the raft**

Mera emerged from the water with a swimming leap and landed upon the raft. The chicken genuflected to the Queen of the Atlantians while she coldly observed those who had mocked her husband.

" _Boys…"_ Mera purred. _"I have some script ideas I want to run past you… assuming you have the time."_ That's when the sharks appeared and began to circle.

The six men clinging to the raft exchanged glances. Damn, they knew this was one of those offers that they couldn't refuse.

Sigh… the next season of Robot Chicken definitely was going to have some changes.

Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawka bawka bawk bawk bawk. Ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawk, ba-bawk bawk bawka bawka bawk bawk?

 **Bawk.**


End file.
